Cinco de mayo

 Just waking up. 1pm. Chilling. Looks hot and sunny. Evening wind pattern. Dont care about much of anything. They are trying to rachet me down. Supreme court in next two months frees me from the ties that bind. Thuggery. My one friend made $690k last month. My other friend averaged over $50k per month last year (albeit he renigged on a contract with another friend and deserves to get wiped out in court for that — like the fucking degenerate he is ; but doubt any of that legal shit will happen but the friend he stole from is a minority that went theough bankruptcy so it touches my soul). Kite surfed yesterday. Was good. Peace

Calabria is going to be fired

 In the next month or two a supreme court ruling is going to come out. Calabria will be fired. Kind of is lame because of how hard he fought to get a pspa amendment that would enable fannie and freddie to raise capital

Oh well

 She has been gone for over a month now. Not to be heard from. Not to be seen. Unfollowed me so i am just chilling now. Idk. 

Feeling bad

 I just feel bad now

I disappoint. In every way. To everybody

That is how it goes

When i try to help

People point back at me

In ways that make me feel bad

I do not know what i am doing

Go to the beach alone

Surrounded by tens of thousands

Few and far between

Knowing nothing

Why am i doing this

Does anything make sense anymore

These last seven years have been marked with pain

And i have caused so much suffering

And now is supposed to be the best time

But it hurts

And i am just bleh. 

Merci. 

Who am i

 Looking back on everything ive done and everyone i have met since i have moved to south florida. I came here guns ablazing. Strong in confidence having just netted $450k from the yellow media restructuring and hot off a job that i was let go from when i wrote my first and only credible book entitled act as if. Objectively speaking it is probably one of the better things i have ever done so far. So it has been seven years. I got a job and ran to houston and my friend helped me sort it out. We let a bunch of riff raff in and spit into the wind. 

I thought i was above it all. But when i look back on the past seven years the word humbling comes to mind. Nothing has really changed except i have gotten older and weaker. 

In the past i was defrauded out of everything that i fell into and believed because i couldnt differentiate luck from skill. The richest man i knew about told me that he would rather be lucky than right. I am beginning to see what he meant. The past seven years i have caused more harm in the immediate world around me trying to fight fraud. Fortune has favored the con and punished those like myself who have taken it upon themselves to fight fraud. The courts are slow. It has taken seven years and dozens of miserable legal rulings. Then on top of it the government officials who took over the show were the good guys but they didnt want to do the right thing out of fear of public humiliation for enriching their friends. 

In this process i have come to accept that at this point in time i have caused everyone i have met here in the past seven years more harm than good. I have talked them out of actions that would have made them a fortune (tesla and bitcoin and other cryptos and other things). I believe the things i have talked them out of are simple ponzi schemes even still but the harm i have caused up until now persists.

And worse, the things that i have talked them into doing have caused financial harm up until now because or circumstances. Fannie and freddie preferred market prices have collapsed. Oil tankers and natural gas companies didnt work when i recommended them. 

There is no one i have not harmed with my advice. In aeven years. Here. The only people unharmed are those who did not take it. 

I just spent six months dating a wonderful girl but it feels like i was a waste of her time. 

My grandmas are seven years older and one has written me off as a lost cause basically. She sent me money and i squandered it. 

It is amazing to me how well intentioned i have been and how much harm i have caused everyone. Like the people around here would be better off if i never moved to miami beach. That feels mostly true. Outside of the whole taking up space and making custom shirts and being nice and saying hello. I have caused harm in every way i have tried to be meaningful. 

A guy i used to know called me a fucking fuck and told me to never talk to him again. I thought that was great advice. And i didnt even ever try to give him advice. But he is the only person who got me right. Could it be the swimming issue or could it be because i hurt his friend by giving his friend bad financial advice so far. I dont know. 

The fugazzi continues. I watch life pass me by now. In the past i used to reach out. I used to think i could help. Maybe some words of wisdom. Haha but now i have nothing to say to anyone. The past is the past. Given where things are. I just dont want to hurt anyone anymore. Even in that, life is a process where other forms of life must die for me to live. Other plants and animals. So i am a death dealer of sorts. 

Seems fair. Just wanted to say it. I need a haircut. A few more months of this. But this is the worst part i guess. Idk. I especially feel bad because of Amanda. I feel like my current situation, which she seemed to embrace and accept, when in the past no one else i ever was with or met would have, reciprocation. Anyway. I feel like i am letting her down now as well. She was kind of the only person i hadnt let down that i had met down here. That no longer feels true. 

I should be out kite boarding but i am a loser baby

Hinge

 Just saw you on hinge, you looked good. I paused my profile. I saw your text a few days ago, a few days after you sent it. From your point of view I ignored the topic.

You said that you aren't sure what we are and pointed out my fail to deliver on valentines day where you came through in spades. You mentioned flowers and a handwritten letter, and I have been feeling bad for disappointing.

I don't know. On one hand, no one has ever treated me as well as you have. No one has loved me as much as you have. No one has cared about me as much as you have.

I've been waking up every day this past month with a pit in my stomach. It has been slightly disorienting but so too has the past 7 years.

I am not sure about labels. I'm confused about everything. It's tough for me to evaluate because I've been encumbered in self imposed purgatory. You deserve better than this. I will agree with you there. You've basically been bending over to spend your time with me when you should have been walking tall.

I have tried to be as much of a human as possible in this process.

Maybe I'll regret this moment for the rest of my life? I don't know that either.

I guess my view is that what is meant to be will be.

Thanks to the world.

No clue

 Just hanging out in my underwear and bath slippers sitting on a burrito blanket. Screen just turned off from inactivity. 

Amanda was out of town on a retreat. Wondering. Waiting. Anticipating. Say it aint so. I will not go. Turn the lights off. Carry me home. Haha

Another one bites the dust

 Still havent heard the word is the bird. Still confused. Maybe her phone is broken. Maybe its nothing. Maybe her service got cut. No clue. But she was supposed to interview for a new job. Maybe something happened. Maybe she found someone else. Maybe its over. 

Maybe who knows. What i do know is that its got me blogging again instead of sending messages. Im trying to not freak out, man. Still feels sort of unusual but not entirely atypical. Maybe she found someone better. Sure is odd that the last thing was she was going to grandmas house. I am just assuming she is super busy. I didnt see any reports of death or anything. She seemed to really enjoy meeting my dad. 

Space is normal. Fascinating times. How am I so fascinated. How does the world around me take me for granted when she does not seem to. How does that work?

What is that worth? That is something I cant buy. Thats what I think. It amazes me how well she has treated me and so consistently. Who knows. Cheers from the beach!

Amanda

 It is 1:18 am and we have been dating since august. August september october november december january february you met my dad. That is seven months. That is the longest ive dated anyone. 

My dad raised lots of questions. I dont like answering direct questions on the spot. You and my dad got along it seems. You went to your grandmas. I havent heard from you. 

My dad keeps talking to me about you. He asks about you daily. You got him going. Now i am sure my mom will want to meet you.

You talked about your folks. But apparently i havent taken the steps to make that happen. I had no idea. I just dont know the rules and have never been this far before. 

Unlike everyone i have been with in the past, i could see this going well. It is tough to know anything for sure. This year is going to get better. You just quit your job. You were going to interview for a new one but i have not heard from you so i have no idea.

The superbowl was okay. I watched it with my dad. You didnt miss anything there. Im not sure what makes sense anymore.

You have asked me questions. I am not sure if i gave the right answers. I worry about this sometimes. Sometimes i just try to buy time. Sometimes there is not enough time to explain. 

Sometimes it feels like it anyway. I have lost over half a million this past few months. My cortisol levels are through the roof. My stress was away but it has come back with my father here. I play by his rules and he does what he wants and i am just glad he is happy. He likes to fix small things. I dont think he asked me once if there was anything i would like fixed. He wants to fix what he wants to fix. Thats cool. I have other issues that matter more to me than the ones he is addressing but it sure is cute you encouraged him to clean stuff up around here

Yes i guess i am kind of a slob. Didnt used to be. My priorities are all upside down. I am amazed by your patience. I am amazed by you and all your energy and power. I think things will get better and things will find their place. Not sure about how soon that is. Hopefully this year. Right now my stomach is in a pretzel and my cortisol levels are soaring and this is physically dangerous and unhealthy which is why i have been working out a lot lately. 

I am trying to figure everything out. You have pretty much done everything for me. You have been an amazing friend to me at the very least. You have been kind and gentle and sweet and beautiful and pretty and happy and delightful to be with and around.

I cant say that i know where this is going or that we are going to like where we end up but so far so good. It is amazing to me how so consistently it seems like i wonder if the last time is the last time and so far it has not been. Im not sure if that is good or bad but these thought patterns are why i am writing this. Meireles. 

I think so many things. Some things take time. Time takes everything. You have made me feel like no one else has. You have made me wonder what I am doing. Maybe I am doing this all wrong. Who knows. I dont think it is that odd that I have not heard from you so I guess I wont worry about it, but who knows.

I tend to think that if you have to worry about it maybe it just isnt right, but this time it could be me being an idiot. Should i have a stronger sense of urgency? Is the clock ticking down? Sure it is. Maybe you are just that benevolent. I dont know. 

Yinet. The way you dance. The way you sing. The way you move. The way your brain works. The way you smile. The way you touch the world around you. Thats the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it. 

Is that good enough for me? Is anything good enough for me? Am i insane? Have i gone mad? Probably, but dont tell anyone.