Cinco de mayo

 Just waking up. 1pm. Chilling. Looks hot and sunny. Evening wind pattern. Dont care about much of anything. They are trying to rachet me down. Supreme court in next two months frees me from the ties that bind. Thuggery. My one friend made $690k last month. My other friend averaged over $50k per month last year (albeit he renigged on a contract with another friend and deserves to get wiped out in court for that — like the fucking degenerate he is ; but doubt any of that legal shit will happen but the friend he stole from is a minority that went theough bankruptcy so it touches my soul). Kite surfed yesterday. Was good. Peace

Calabria is going to be fired

 In the next month or two a supreme court ruling is going to come out. Calabria will be fired. Kind of is lame because of how hard he fought to get a pspa amendment that would enable fannie and freddie to raise capital

Oh well

 She has been gone for over a month now. Not to be heard from. Not to be seen. Unfollowed me so i am just chilling now. Idk. 

Feeling bad

 I just feel bad now

I disappoint. In every way. To everybody

That is how it goes

When i try to help

People point back at me

In ways that make me feel bad

I do not know what i am doing

Go to the beach alone

Surrounded by tens of thousands

Few and far between

Knowing nothing

Why am i doing this

Does anything make sense anymore

These last seven years have been marked with pain

And i have caused so much suffering

And now is supposed to be the best time

But it hurts

And i am just bleh. 

Merci. 

Who am i

 Looking back on everything ive done and everyone i have met since i have moved to south florida. I came here guns ablazing. Strong in confidence having just netted $450k from the yellow media restructuring and hot off a job that i was let go from when i wrote my first and only credible book entitled act as if. Objectively speaking it is probably one of the better things i have ever done so far. So it has been seven years. I got a job and ran to houston and my friend helped me sort it out. We let a bunch of riff raff in and spit into the wind. 

I thought i was above it all. But when i look back on the past seven years the word humbling comes to mind. Nothing has really changed except i have gotten older and weaker. 

In the past i was defrauded out of everything that i fell into and believed because i couldnt differentiate luck from skill. The richest man i knew about told me that he would rather be lucky than right. I am beginning to see what he meant. The past seven years i have caused more harm in the immediate world around me trying to fight fraud. Fortune has favored the con and punished those like myself who have taken it upon themselves to fight fraud. The courts are slow. It has taken seven years and dozens of miserable legal rulings. Then on top of it the government officials who took over the show were the good guys but they didnt want to do the right thing out of fear of public humiliation for enriching their friends. 

In this process i have come to accept that at this point in time i have caused everyone i have met here in the past seven years more harm than good. I have talked them out of actions that would have made them a fortune (tesla and bitcoin and other cryptos and other things). I believe the things i have talked them out of are simple ponzi schemes even still but the harm i have caused up until now persists.

And worse, the things that i have talked them into doing have caused financial harm up until now because or circumstances. Fannie and freddie preferred market prices have collapsed. Oil tankers and natural gas companies didnt work when i recommended them. 

There is no one i have not harmed with my advice. In aeven years. Here. The only people unharmed are those who did not take it. 

I just spent six months dating a wonderful girl but it feels like i was a waste of her time. 

My grandmas are seven years older and one has written me off as a lost cause basically. She sent me money and i squandered it. 

It is amazing to me how well intentioned i have been and how much harm i have caused everyone. Like the people around here would be better off if i never moved to miami beach. That feels mostly true. Outside of the whole taking up space and making custom shirts and being nice and saying hello. I have caused harm in every way i have tried to be meaningful. 

A guy i used to know called me a fucking fuck and told me to never talk to him again. I thought that was great advice. And i didnt even ever try to give him advice. But he is the only person who got me right. Could it be the swimming issue or could it be because i hurt his friend by giving his friend bad financial advice so far. I dont know. 

The fugazzi continues. I watch life pass me by now. In the past i used to reach out. I used to think i could help. Maybe some words of wisdom. Haha but now i have nothing to say to anyone. The past is the past. Given where things are. I just dont want to hurt anyone anymore. Even in that, life is a process where other forms of life must die for me to live. Other plants and animals. So i am a death dealer of sorts. 

Seems fair. Just wanted to say it. I need a haircut. A few more months of this. But this is the worst part i guess. Idk. I especially feel bad because of Amanda. I feel like my current situation, which she seemed to embrace and accept, when in the past no one else i ever was with or met would have, reciprocation. Anyway. I feel like i am letting her down now as well. She was kind of the only person i hadnt let down that i had met down here. That no longer feels true. 

I should be out kite boarding but i am a loser baby

Hinge

 Just saw you on hinge, you looked good. I paused my profile. I saw your text a few days ago, a few days after you sent it. From your point of view I ignored the topic.

You said that you aren't sure what we are and pointed out my fail to deliver on valentines day where you came through in spades. You mentioned flowers and a handwritten letter, and I have been feeling bad for disappointing.

I don't know. On one hand, no one has ever treated me as well as you have. No one has loved me as much as you have. No one has cared about me as much as you have.

I've been waking up every day this past month with a pit in my stomach. It has been slightly disorienting but so too has the past 7 years.

I am not sure about labels. I'm confused about everything. It's tough for me to evaluate because I've been encumbered in self imposed purgatory. You deserve better than this. I will agree with you there. You've basically been bending over to spend your time with me when you should have been walking tall.

I have tried to be as much of a human as possible in this process.

Maybe I'll regret this moment for the rest of my life? I don't know that either.

I guess my view is that what is meant to be will be.

Thanks to the world.

No clue

 Just hanging out in my underwear and bath slippers sitting on a burrito blanket. Screen just turned off from inactivity. 

Amanda was out of town on a retreat. Wondering. Waiting. Anticipating. Say it aint so. I will not go. Turn the lights off. Carry me home. Haha