Another one bites the dust

 Still havent heard the word is the bird. Still confused. Maybe her phone is broken. Maybe its nothing. Maybe her service got cut. No clue. But she was supposed to interview for a new job. Maybe something happened. Maybe she found someone else. Maybe its over. 

Maybe who knows. What i do know is that its got me blogging again instead of sending messages. Im trying to not freak out, man. Still feels sort of unusual but not entirely atypical. Maybe she found someone better. Sure is odd that the last thing was she was going to grandmas house. I am just assuming she is super busy. I didnt see any reports of death or anything. She seemed to really enjoy meeting my dad. 

Space is normal. Fascinating times. How am I so fascinated. How does the world around me take me for granted when she does not seem to. How does that work?

What is that worth? That is something I cant buy. Thats what I think. It amazes me how well she has treated me and so consistently. Who knows. Cheers from the beach!

Amanda

 It is 1:18 am and we have been dating since august. August september october november december january february you met my dad. That is seven months. That is the longest ive dated anyone. 

My dad raised lots of questions. I dont like answering direct questions on the spot. You and my dad got along it seems. You went to your grandmas. I havent heard from you. 

My dad keeps talking to me about you. He asks about you daily. You got him going. Now i am sure my mom will want to meet you.

You talked about your folks. But apparently i havent taken the steps to make that happen. I had no idea. I just dont know the rules and have never been this far before. 

Unlike everyone i have been with in the past, i could see this going well. It is tough to know anything for sure. This year is going to get better. You just quit your job. You were going to interview for a new one but i have not heard from you so i have no idea.

The superbowl was okay. I watched it with my dad. You didnt miss anything there. Im not sure what makes sense anymore.

You have asked me questions. I am not sure if i gave the right answers. I worry about this sometimes. Sometimes i just try to buy time. Sometimes there is not enough time to explain. 

Sometimes it feels like it anyway. I have lost over half a million this past few months. My cortisol levels are through the roof. My stress was away but it has come back with my father here. I play by his rules and he does what he wants and i am just glad he is happy. He likes to fix small things. I dont think he asked me once if there was anything i would like fixed. He wants to fix what he wants to fix. Thats cool. I have other issues that matter more to me than the ones he is addressing but it sure is cute you encouraged him to clean stuff up around here

Yes i guess i am kind of a slob. Didnt used to be. My priorities are all upside down. I am amazed by your patience. I am amazed by you and all your energy and power. I think things will get better and things will find their place. Not sure about how soon that is. Hopefully this year. Right now my stomach is in a pretzel and my cortisol levels are soaring and this is physically dangerous and unhealthy which is why i have been working out a lot lately. 

I am trying to figure everything out. You have pretty much done everything for me. You have been an amazing friend to me at the very least. You have been kind and gentle and sweet and beautiful and pretty and happy and delightful to be with and around.

I cant say that i know where this is going or that we are going to like where we end up but so far so good. It is amazing to me how so consistently it seems like i wonder if the last time is the last time and so far it has not been. Im not sure if that is good or bad but these thought patterns are why i am writing this. Meireles. 

I think so many things. Some things take time. Time takes everything. You have made me feel like no one else has. You have made me wonder what I am doing. Maybe I am doing this all wrong. Who knows. I dont think it is that odd that I have not heard from you so I guess I wont worry about it, but who knows.

I tend to think that if you have to worry about it maybe it just isnt right, but this time it could be me being an idiot. Should i have a stronger sense of urgency? Is the clock ticking down? Sure it is. Maybe you are just that benevolent. I dont know. 

Yinet. The way you dance. The way you sing. The way you move. The way your brain works. The way you smile. The way you touch the world around you. Thats the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it. 

Is that good enough for me? Is anything good enough for me? Am i insane? Have i gone mad? Probably, but dont tell anyone. 

money

[12:05 AM, 8/14/2019] : I call #1 the "Boner test" --- aka how hard you make my boner. Do I find myself masturbating to you? When I do masturbate to you, how do I feel about it? Do I finish to you? How do I feel about all of that?

[12:07 AM, 8/14/2019] : #3 for me is stressful... which is why I look for someone who can operate well within a budget. Anyone can live well with infinite money. The trick is to figure out how much you have or how hard you want to work and live as well as possible. I just made a million dollars and I think I'll make my second million this next month. I've been single the whole way through because I'm surrounded by girls who are worthless.. They are vacant money pits who compete over who can do the dumbest stuff and light their lives on fire until their beauty fades

[12:09 AM, 8/14/2019] : i've offered my place, my time, flights, thousands of cards, lots of positive energy, thoughts, offers

[12:10 AM, 8/14/2019] : everyone wants the same thing basically

[12:10 AM, 8/14/2019] : not everyone understands how money truly works

[12:10 AM, 8/14/2019] : most people really suck at it

[12:10 AM, 8/14/2019] : they like the fast shiney

[12:11 AM, 8/14/2019] : it runs me ragged

[12:11 AM, 8/14/2019] : for me, it all comes full circle back to nice.

[12:11 AM, 8/14/2019] : #2 fun is possible if they aren't nice for a while

[12:11 AM, 8/14/2019] : but after a while my feelings get hurt and #2 no longer is possible

[12:11 AM, 8/14/2019] : being nice isn't difficult

[12:12 AM, 8/14/2019] : i try as hard as i can to be nice

[12:12 AM, 8/14/2019] : but you can't get lost in the process, you have to be nice to yourself first

[12:12 AM, 8/14/2019] : #4 is realizing that you and i are going to die

[12:12 AM, 8/14/2019] : there is a sense of urgency there somewhere

[12:13 AM, 8/14/2019] : you never know when death is going to come for you

[12:13 AM, 8/14/2019] : could be this year

[12:13 AM, 8/14/2019] : in creating life, you may die, your partner may die, your children may die

[12:13 AM, 8/14/2019] : we all will, eventually

[12:14 AM, 8/14/2019] : but, you're going to want someone who takes the time to pay attention

[12:14 AM, 8/14/2019] : not everyone can afford to pay attention

[12:14 AM, 8/14/2019] : distractions are everywhere

[12:14 AM, 8/14/2019] : part of that for me is... #1

[12:14 AM, 8/14/2019] : is she hot enough that when i'm masturbating that i feel like i want to cum for her

[12:14 AM, 8/14/2019] : do i want to create life with her?

[12:15 AM, 8/14/2019] : if i'm out walking around with her do i want to meet other women?

[12:15 AM, 8/14/2019] : anyway

[12:15 AM, 8/14/2019] : yes, for me, it is ... i look for nice...

[12:16 AM, 8/14/2019] : i try to qualify the quality of their brain

[12:16 AM, 8/14/2019] : the quality of their family

[12:16 AM, 8/14/2019] : the quality of their genetics for me.. creating life

[12:16 AM, 8/14/2019] : do i want to merge my soul with theirs?

[12:16 AM, 8/14/2019] : when i die, will i not want to die because of how much i love my life and what i've done?

[12:17 AM, 8/14/2019] : will i love my family?

[12:17 AM, 8/14/2019] : will i love myself?

[12:17 AM, 8/14/2019] : will i feel fond of how i did it all?

[12:17 AM, 8/14/2019] : do i feel good about it?

[12:17 AM, 8/14/2019] : did i do a good job?

[12:17 AM, 8/14/2019] : it's a lot to think about

[12:18 AM, 8/14/2019] : and reality sets in

[12:18 AM, 8/14/2019] : these are the things i think about when i meet people from time to time

[12:18 AM, 8/14/2019] : i can't choose who loves me

[12:18 AM, 8/14/2019] : most people don't seem to

[12:19 AM, 8/14/2019] : most people don't seem to have the time to figure it out

[12:19 AM, 8/14/2019] : or they have something better to do

[12:19 AM, 8/14/2019] : i can't blame them, i mean, even though i make over $100,000 a year, i live on a budget for someone that makes like $30,000 a year so that's not very bright and shiney and flashy

get it..

it's better to go try to do stuff now, because you will have other things in the future. i have so much stuff it is overwhelming.. in the past I used to think about throwing it all away or something like that. I literally have stuff that I've had since i moved here 2-3 years ago that I don't think I've touched. I have clothes that I've never worn. I have clothes from back when I had to go into work in an office setting. I have stuff laying around. none of it matters. What matters is having enough time and energy and the financial ability to want to go do the stuff that you want to spend your time doing. i think i need to travel because no one seems to want to date me here... so i'm not sure what the move is here. i don't really want to go anywhere but i feel like i have to go somewhere, haha. it all revolves around my investments that haven't worked out in years.. but should here shortly... im not sure what the goal is then.. the place where i am is okay for me now, but it's pretty lonely .. i'm so lazy lately. there are always things to do.. but anyway.. i'm not entirely sure what to do... it's amazing... it's like, whenever i think about it, it makes me appreciative. but when i start, i don't like it and want to throw it all away, haha.

over a million bucks

i passed over a million bucks net worth yesterday.

i've literally given 0 fucks this year.

who wants to be fuck #1?

i'll buy plane tickets --- but just because i have a million dollars doesn't mean you can tell the difference between me and a homeless guy..

the homeless guy has a fancier outfit and more clean cut look than me; but i try to get wet more than the homeless guy.. i try to be wet as often as possible around here.

i'm actually wearing underwear... which was the genesis of this blog... but it keeps the sand out of my pubes..

so i guess, i have given lots of fucks this year, i'm just fucking myself

who else fucks themselves and has a million bucks?

short list.. i'm sure.

it's not that i lack social skills; i just lack people around here who have taken an interest in the hottest shit that i feed my porcelain god.. you see... my toilet is hungry for crap and it needs more poop. please help me feed my toilet

the best part of having a million bucks is not giving a fuck.. and not having given any fucks in so long; i figure; fuck it all; hit publish

comments

My advice is that for the amzn style investments you make.. Don't bet anything where it would be painful to take a 75% haircut. Ross Gerber is my king when it comes to betting on name brand nonsense in bull markets and experiencing diversified winningness. I wouldn't risk more than 10% on something like that at this price. There are enough other high growth companies at comparable prices to own as a small basket of an intelligent portfolio.

I think that a good place to be is to be diversified across lots of stuff when it makes sense to do. I have lots of ideas for that but I am not there yet myself. Sometime later this year. I have lots of picks I send my dad for his dividends but I do it mostly to try to help him with understanding the difference between various levels of quality of earnings, like for example; a mREIT that buys mortgage backed securities and levers up and earns the spread between its borrowing costs and its portfolio yield is riskier than a triple net REIT to interest rates or a bdc has management risk, or tsla is a dumpster fire, or that there are equivalent securities in a different part of the capital structure in a different industry most of the time. For me right now, it is CTL vs fnmas.

The funny thing to me is that with short hair I never found great women on a daily basis, that's like their opinion. I mean, I can find them and see them, but my casual observation is that it does not matter what I look like... This is such a woman's perspective; she is just telling me that I better shape up because she needs a man: but I gotta tell you something, sister... Looks matter more to girls and power matters more to men. I have lots of spare capacity and I can onboard some liabilities, and I am just here offering my words for anyone who wants to know how to make their business make more money. That is my specialty. The rest of the world keeps coming to me begging for more. I make choices. I have control. I can stay anywhere I want, however long I want. I have staying power. I literally never have to do anything I don't feel like ever again and I can afford it. I don't need advice. I didn't ask for it. I don't want it. I do not appreciate being patronized. I hope you treat your brother better. The good news is you can't touch my feelings, I'm so far above it. Anyway, this is for anyone who wonders what my thoughts are and why it looks like I don't give a shit but you can't tell the difference between a rich millionaire and a homeless person, not my problem. Check your eyesight. Check your nose. Check your pockets. Its time to get out of the bath tub. I always end up here. Time to go save the world.

Risk

The biggest risk is opportunity cost.

I've sat stagnantly for like 4-5 years now in one trade, holding down the fort.

I've watched thousands of people pass into and out of sight running down the beach or wandering around.