Amanda

 It is 1:18 am and we have been dating since august. August september october november december january february you met my dad. That is seven months. That is the longest ive dated anyone. 

My dad raised lots of questions. I dont like answering direct questions on the spot. You and my dad got along it seems. You went to your grandmas. I havent heard from you. 

My dad keeps talking to me about you. He asks about you daily. You got him going. Now i am sure my mom will want to meet you.

You talked about your folks. But apparently i havent taken the steps to make that happen. I had no idea. I just dont know the rules and have never been this far before. 

Unlike everyone i have been with in the past, i could see this going well. It is tough to know anything for sure. This year is going to get better. You just quit your job. You were going to interview for a new one but i have not heard from you so i have no idea.

The superbowl was okay. I watched it with my dad. You didnt miss anything there. Im not sure what makes sense anymore.

You have asked me questions. I am not sure if i gave the right answers. I worry about this sometimes. Sometimes i just try to buy time. Sometimes there is not enough time to explain. 

Sometimes it feels like it anyway. I have lost over half a million this past few months. My cortisol levels are through the roof. My stress was away but it has come back with my father here. I play by his rules and he does what he wants and i am just glad he is happy. He likes to fix small things. I dont think he asked me once if there was anything i would like fixed. He wants to fix what he wants to fix. Thats cool. I have other issues that matter more to me than the ones he is addressing but it sure is cute you encouraged him to clean stuff up around here

Yes i guess i am kind of a slob. Didnt used to be. My priorities are all upside down. I am amazed by your patience. I am amazed by you and all your energy and power. I think things will get better and things will find their place. Not sure about how soon that is. Hopefully this year. Right now my stomach is in a pretzel and my cortisol levels are soaring and this is physically dangerous and unhealthy which is why i have been working out a lot lately. 

I am trying to figure everything out. You have pretty much done everything for me. You have been an amazing friend to me at the very least. You have been kind and gentle and sweet and beautiful and pretty and happy and delightful to be with and around.

I cant say that i know where this is going or that we are going to like where we end up but so far so good. It is amazing to me how so consistently it seems like i wonder if the last time is the last time and so far it has not been. Im not sure if that is good or bad but these thought patterns are why i am writing this. Meireles. 

I think so many things. Some things take time. Time takes everything. You have made me feel like no one else has. You have made me wonder what I am doing. Maybe I am doing this all wrong. Who knows. I dont think it is that odd that I have not heard from you so I guess I wont worry about it, but who knows.

I tend to think that if you have to worry about it maybe it just isnt right, but this time it could be me being an idiot. Should i have a stronger sense of urgency? Is the clock ticking down? Sure it is. Maybe you are just that benevolent. I dont know. 

Yinet. The way you dance. The way you sing. The way you move. The way your brain works. The way you smile. The way you touch the world around you. Thats the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it. 

Is that good enough for me? Is anything good enough for me? Am i insane? Have i gone mad? Probably, but dont tell anyone.